New man, new insecurities.

I can't be with you if you are going to be talking to other girls, or going out and finding girls to bring home. I like you too much, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to be pigeon-holed in the FWB stage. I'm afraid I'm going to like you more and more each day, with no reciprocation. I'm afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket. I've been burned in the past, and it honest to god scares me that I will relive my past. There will be times where all I can think about is you. I just want you next to me. I want to feel your body up against mine. I want you to think about me. Text me. Invite me. Hug me. Cuddle with me. I like you, a lot. And I would be the happiest girl in the world if you would just commit to me. Your "college life" is near it's end and so is mine. I want us to be on the same page when it comes to commitment. Otherwise, I'm going to drive myself nuts with the thought of you and the thought of not having you. It will break my heart. I never realized how seriously I like you until last night. While we were at the bar you were talking to a blonde girl, which I know is your type. I could feel the tears starting to swell in my eyes, until you turned to me and acknowledged me. You left her to talk to me. I put my guard down that night. I went against my beliefs for you, and I didn't regret it. However, I'm afraid of what I do or not do will turn you away. You drive me crazy and It scares me to like you.

fuck off

Im so fucking annoyed right now. Like WTF?!?! Why would you de-friend me? What did I ever do? I was there for you 24/7 and helped you out when you needed it the most! I listened when you had family problems, and talked you through everything. Then you do something like that?! Seriously? Then you go back to the chick you said you would never talk to... YOU ARE SUCH A GOD DAMN HYPOCRITE!! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

whatev

I need to start doing things for myself. I need to make my own decisions and go for what I want. When things get tough I always ask other people what I should do, but now that I'm thinking about it, it's never what I wanted. I never really liked you, I only went for you because everyone else talked you up. Now your being a jealous dick. Sorry Im not sorry. Im in college and I will do whatever the fuck I want, thank you very much. Freshman year so legit because I would go to a party and make out with whomever. Now I do that and I get judged. You are all cool. How about you let me live my life and let me do me. K? K.

Ya kno.

Goodness gracious. How about someone from the future tells me who I am going to marry. I have too many guys all up on me that I don't know who I should like or try to pursue. Never thought I would ever say that either lol. Sheesh.

Im still annoyed

You are mad at me because you made up some imaginary relationship between and my friend who is actually in a relationship with my sister. Homie, if your going to be that jealous you need to check yo self. Every guy I talk to doesn't mean I'm dating them. This stupid thing is that him being in a relationship meant nothing to you, in fact, I don't know why that doesn't affect anyone else. Im sorry but if I was flirting with some guy and he said he had a girlfriend, I'd back off and apologize. Nope, not my friends, not the people I know. They see that as an obstacle that needs to be won apparently. You could have avoided this entire situation if you didn't make stuff up and try to make something out of nothing. All I wanted to do was drink and watch basketball. But nooooooo... you had to come in and be all pissy. You said you wanted to date around and not get serious. How do you expect to do that when you seem to only want me?

So f-ing confused.

Dear Online Diary,
I feel like I haven't bitched about boys lately. So, I'm fixing that. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE SO DAMN CONFUSING! If you want a relationship, say that. If your looking for just sex, say that. If your just messing with my feelings, say that. I'm a flirt, not going to deny that. But I feel like I've reached the point were I need to stop doing that, cus I have to many guys flocking over me and Idk what the hell they want. I want a relationship. I'm looking for the real thing. I don't want to waste my time on a guy who doesn't want me like that. Oh and you know what else doesn't help... when my friends put their two cents in about who I like. I've dumped guys before because people made fun of me for dating them. I will do it again, because I am THAT insecure. I like J and H but since they are friends that would just cause problems. Plus, idk if they want a relationship or just wanna hook up. And H doesn't even try to text me, and J does but when were in the same room he doesnt seem to talk to me until hes had drinks. N is sweet, and wants a relationship, but after people made fun of me for liking him idk. Plus he's awkward when it comes to makin a move, I need someone thats confident and if hes not he better fake it. Nothing is worse than meeting a guy with no game or confidence. There's R, but I just met him, and Idk how I feel about him. He's cute and it looks like we have things in common, but he's deff a diff type of guy that Ive normally dated. Then there my ex. I shouldn't like him. I shouldn't. He hurt me. He is in love with someone else. He doesn't open up to me about personal stuff, but will with his ex-love. He says they won't get back together, but I doubt that. But still he wants to talk and hook up with me and other people but doesn't want a relationship cus he wants to chill and date around. But when I tell him I have 4 guys Im talkin to he freaks out, cus he doesn't wanna be apart of the circle. But that's exactly what he's doing. So that just doesn't makes sense. WHY DO I STILL LIKE HIM! I would so get back in a relationship with him, if I knew he was faithful enough. But I can't be that naive. But how can I move on if I still am talking and hooking up with him?! And I feel like if I stop talking to him like that he just wont talk to me at all. Which is not what I want, especially after his problems at home.

And here is the most messed up part. I am in love with the hottest man ever who has no idea who I am. He has tats and piercings and is soooo my type. I always get what I want and I will get us to meet when school is back in session, but I feel like I have the need to hold off for him. Like wtf? He might not even like me, and Im two years older than him. So that might freak him out. But OMJESUS HE IS SOOOO SEXY!!!!!

I just wish I knew what I wanted. I have unrealistic thoughts and it's hurting myself and others. So maybe if I write things down I can see clearer. I just dont want to be someone that leads people on, but idk how to find out who I like if I don't stop talking to them.

Disgusted.

I am so disgusted in your actions I physically want to vomit. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. I have never hated someone so much in my entire life. How can you DEFEND someone who vandalized $2000 worth of your roommate's property?! I am SO thankful that I parked my car at the wayside, otherwise god knows what would have happened to it. How about you grow a backbone and realize that you are wrong and I am right, and you leave that piece of pool scum called your boy toy. You have turned into him. He is a liar, disgusting, unintelligent, and only has 3 friends. You definitely have those qualities now. You just lost 2 friends that have been there for the past 2 years, over a POS cheating guy you have known for a few months? You disgust me. I hate you. I literally hate you. I hate seeing you. I hate hearing you. I hate him. I hate seeing him. I hate hearing him. I hate everything about you two. Take all your shit and move the fuck out. No one wants you here. I don't give two shits if he is depressed. He's using that as a crutch, and you are falling for it. How about you leave it to a doctor or a hotline to help his sorry ass. You knew all along that he keyed her car and pretended like you didn't know anything. Then you tell me that he shouldn't be punished for his mistakes. This is going to be one hell of a month, then after that I hope to never see your face ever again until common sense hits you in the head, and leave that criminal. You disgust me.