Happy MLK Day... not.

So, shocker given my previous posts only an idiot can't figure out where this post is going. I guess I was the idiot in this situation. I should have known, but hey who doesn't like a good dose of false hope, right? So, in celebration of no classes I went to the wayside along with the whole entire student body. Find my "boyfriend" and the first words that come out of his mouth "I love Stephanie. Sorry." WOW! Cus at the rave you said that you wanted to date again, but I guess you were just kidding or were you telling me what you wanted to hear to get what you wanted? Oh and my favorite... you were sleeping with her when we were "broken up". But that's okay cus you were stringing me along and you were "single". Go ahead re-live the past. The only reason you "love" her is that you've known her for so long and her fam. Not her as a person. You've told me over and over that you hated her. I look like the idiot. Im going to be the one judged. I should have followed my own dating rules, but I thought you were the exception.

"Don't make a girl fall for you, if you had no intention on catching her."

Secrets

"Two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead."

As I'm watching pretty little liars, I start to think to myself if lying helps or hinders. The same boy problems are still bothering me, and I question my thoughts if lying to him or not is better. Should I pretend everything is okay and hope that if I stay positive that everything will be? Or if telling him what bothers me is better? I'm just worried that if I voice my true feelings I won't get the response I want to hear. Sure, that should sound like he isn't worth it, but I don't want to give up hope because I REALLY like him. Given we really aren't "together" anymore, but he still acts like we are. If you really wanted to get over your ex, cuddling with her on the couch and sitting next to each other during class doesn't seem like your trying to get over her. You don't think I would find out? What am I suppose to think? Am I just setting myself up to look stupid and get played?

The hardest decision...

I don't want to talk about this to anyone I know, because I want to pretend it isn't happening. I fell hard and fast for my bf. He is amazing, he's honest, funny, and caring. But he just told me he can't stop thinking of his ex. Even though hes told me a hundred times how much he hates her, even when we were just friends. Now he wants to end things because he keeps thinking of her. I told him I don't want to. I don't want to let him go. I like him way too much. I just don't understand why he would have feeling for a relationship that was so bad. If they didn't live on the same floor I think this problem wouldn't be as big as it is. I don't know if I'm being selfish by wanting to keep him, but I just have hope that the longer he is with me the more he can forget about his ex. This is such a horrible situation to be in. It's not fair. People are going to treat me differently because we dated and I'm friends with all of his brothers. I'm beginning to think that I should let him go, because I think our relationship was a rebound for him whether he knows it or not. It just really sucks. I want him to be happy and I don't think it can be with her. Sure they have known each other for 2 years, but why couldn't our relationship turn into that.

You know the saying, "Let it go, if it comes back its yours, if not, it was never meant to be?"
I feel like I should let go but if I do, he won't come back. And if he does it would be next year when they aren't living so close. Then it's just going to happen all over again. I'm scared.

Dear Diary...

I don't like being stood up... twice... in two consecutive days. You made it up to me by still coming over last night, which I absolutely loved. But what happened? You said you would take me out tonight on our postponed date, but you blew me off. If you didn't want to go out, tell me. Don't ask me what I want to do, and then be like "it sounds like you don't want to go out". I don't put codes in my text messages. If I didn't want to go out, I would tell you straight up. I could have gone out to dinner with my mom and my sister, but I told them no because I was going out with you. I waited, and waited, and waited... for an hour. Nothing. You can't even text me back? I don't get it. Please, spare me this feeling next time.

What not to do on a date.

So I had a dinner date tonight, and I've been getting ready for it here and there for a few hours beforehand.
1) Did the dishes; so he wouldn't see a sink full of dishes.
2) Straightened up the shoes; so they didn't look messy.
3) Fixed the blankets and pillows on the couch; so it looked presentable.
4) Turn the lights on the x-mas tree; so it would look nice,
5) Cleaned off the stove top from food; if I gave him a house tour.
6) Made my bed, and fixed up the room for that house tour.
7) Did my hair, makeup (twice), and got dressed.
8) Spent 10 minutes, deciding which purse to use, and transferred all my stuff.
9) Put perfume on 15 minutes on before the date; so it wouldn't be too strong when we said hello.
10) I picked out my scarf and put it on top of everything; so it would be ready to grab.
11) Put my mittens in my pockets; so it could just grab my coat and put them on as I walk to the car.
12) Looked at the menu of the restaurant; so I knew what was cheap that I could order.
13) Waited patiently for him to come in the door.

Then I get a text, not asking where my house is, but postponing our date till tomorrow.
1) Take off outfit
2) Throw on sweats
3) Cry.

Thanks.

For future reference to any man. If you know you might not make it on time or at all, tell her right away! Not minutes before the date. All you have to do is say, "I just want to give you a heads up, it may not happen, but just in case..." Given it was a legit reason, but it would have been nice to stop at number 8.

Exams are BS.

Exams are cruel and unusual punishment. You want to know who excels at exams? People who are good at taking them. They don't measure knowledge of the class, only what someone memorizes last minute and regurgitates it back up on the exam. What about those who are not good test takers? We are the ones that are punished. We may know the material, but when it's in ABCD form, its like I'm looking at a game of Who Want's to be a Millionaire? and I wanna take my $200 and leave. Shouldn't a grade depend on what the student did all semester? I don't even remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, how will I remember what socialist created which theory and why? This is cruel and unusual punishment. It's hurting students, teachers, and our school system. We need a reform that significantly reduces the points an exam is worth. If a huge project was 100 points and took 3 weeks to do, that should be worth more points than a 70 question exam that I took in an hour in a half and is worth 200 points. Do the math. Doesn't seem right does it. Our school systems are academically abusing us.

My own (Post) Secrets

I've liked you for over a year, and never made a move. Now that I found someone that likes me, you step back in the picture. Ill always like you, but I cant wait forever for someone that isn't willing to commit.

I always say what's on my mind, and some of it just might sound stupid. You make fun of me, and I just laugh it off. But when I'm being serious you look at me like I'm stupid. I laugh it off, but inside I'm hurt that I'm nothing more than a joke.

I have low self esteem, so I try to please everyone. Even if I'm unhappy doing it.

I broke up with the one person I really liked because I was afraid I would be made fun of for dating him.