7/15/10

"I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter." - Walt Disney

True story. My day hasn't been the best and I was trying to search for the perfect quote to lift my spirits. I liked this one because it speaks the truth. I try to include everyone in everything. I don't leave anyone behind. I always walk with the last person to leave, even when no one takes the time to reciprocate that towards me. Tonight was Pop Idol. So, while everyone was getting invited to be apart of an act, no one thought to even ASK me. I felt so unbelievably left out. I thought I had good enough friends here to hang out with, and thought they would invite me to be apart of their group. The part that hurt worst was that people in my a/c team did an act without me. Also, all my sorority sisters here decided to do a skit... with out me. How are we "sisters" when you leave ONE out. I was hurt, alone, and it was the most miserable thing to watch. I tried so hard not to cry, and I almost did every time I saw an act go on. Im so glad its over and had to suffer through that. I had to be strong and couldn't let my feeling get the best of me again. Tomorrow is a new day and I pray that its not like this ever again. I don't want to feel abandoned. I felt like I was at home again, I thought I got away from that. I feel like Im repeating myself, but I have no one to talk to here. No one understands what that feeling was. I just wish I could read minds. I want to know... do they really like me? Do they hate me? Do they talk behind my back? Why?

And it doesnt help when my campers are even asking me "are you in it" "why aren't you doing a skit". Its hard to know that no one wanted you. One thing that made me feel a little better was that all day ppl asked "are you doing pop idol" and my response "No one invited me". I would always get "well Im in this many", the oh well look, or just blow me off. But when 2 counselors, Lea and Lisa, responded "aww grab some black clothes and be in ours". It was a sweet gesture (and impossible one cus it was 10 min till show) but regardless it was sincere and made me want to cry even more cus Im the most emotional person ever and I HATE it. I also hate that Im so insecure. UGH! Also, today we had cookout and Ashley and Kirstie always end up serving food first and I never am able to cus Im late and I feel really bad. I kinda get the feeling that they are upset that I sit with the girls and get food with them when they serve. Especially when they asked the girls where I was and they all said "idk" when I was right behind them. Ugh. I wish this camp didn't drill rules into our head the first week. I wish they would have told us the ways of the camp activities. The cook out rules. The songs. I feel like I miss the memo... everyday.