Sunday, July 31, 2011

fuck off

Im so fucking annoyed right now. Like WTF?!?! Why would you de-friend me? What did I ever do? I was there for you 24/7 and helped you out when you needed it the most! I listened when you had family problems, and talked you through everything. Then you do something like that?! Seriously? Then you go back to the chick you said you would never talk to... YOU ARE SUCH A GOD DAMN HYPOCRITE!! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


I need to start doing things for myself. I need to make my own decisions and go for what I want. When things get tough I always ask other people what I should do, but now that I'm thinking about it, it's never what I wanted. I never really liked you, I only went for you because everyone else talked you up. Now your being a jealous dick. Sorry Im not sorry. Im in college and I will do whatever the fuck I want, thank you very much. Freshman year so legit because I would go to a party and make out with whomever. Now I do that and I get judged. You are all cool. How about you let me live my life and let me do me. K? K.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Ya kno.

Goodness gracious. How about someone from the future tells me who I am going to marry. I have too many guys all up on me that I don't know who I should like or try to pursue. Never thought I would ever say that either lol. Sheesh.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Im still annoyed

You are mad at me because you made up some imaginary relationship between and my friend who is actually in a relationship with my sister. Homie, if your going to be that jealous you need to check yo self. Every guy I talk to doesn't mean I'm dating them. This stupid thing is that him being in a relationship meant nothing to you, in fact, I don't know why that doesn't affect anyone else. Im sorry but if I was flirting with some guy and he said he had a girlfriend, I'd back off and apologize. Nope, not my friends, not the people I know. They see that as an obstacle that needs to be won apparently. You could have avoided this entire situation if you didn't make stuff up and try to make something out of nothing. All I wanted to do was drink and watch basketball. But nooooooo... you had to come in and be all pissy. You said you wanted to date around and not get serious. How do you expect to do that when you seem to only want me?

Friday, June 10, 2011

So f-ing confused.

Dear Online Diary,
I feel like I haven't bitched about boys lately. So, I'm fixing that. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE SO DAMN CONFUSING! If you want a relationship, say that. If your looking for just sex, say that. If your just messing with my feelings, say that. I'm a flirt, not going to deny that. But I feel like I've reached the point were I need to stop doing that, cus I have to many guys flocking over me and Idk what the hell they want. I want a relationship. I'm looking for the real thing. I don't want to waste my time on a guy who doesn't want me like that. Oh and you know what else doesn't help... when my friends put their two cents in about who I like. I've dumped guys before because people made fun of me for dating them. I will do it again, because I am THAT insecure. I like J and H but since they are friends that would just cause problems. Plus, idk if they want a relationship or just wanna hook up. And H doesn't even try to text me, and J does but when were in the same room he doesnt seem to talk to me until hes had drinks. N is sweet, and wants a relationship, but after people made fun of me for liking him idk. Plus he's awkward when it comes to makin a move, I need someone thats confident and if hes not he better fake it. Nothing is worse than meeting a guy with no game or confidence. There's R, but I just met him, and Idk how I feel about him. He's cute and it looks like we have things in common, but he's deff a diff type of guy that Ive normally dated. Then there my ex. I shouldn't like him. I shouldn't. He hurt me. He is in love with someone else. He doesn't open up to me about personal stuff, but will with his ex-love. He says they won't get back together, but I doubt that. But still he wants to talk and hook up with me and other people but doesn't want a relationship cus he wants to chill and date around. But when I tell him I have 4 guys Im talkin to he freaks out, cus he doesn't wanna be apart of the circle. But that's exactly what he's doing. So that just doesn't makes sense. WHY DO I STILL LIKE HIM! I would so get back in a relationship with him, if I knew he was faithful enough. But I can't be that naive. But how can I move on if I still am talking and hooking up with him?! And I feel like if I stop talking to him like that he just wont talk to me at all. Which is not what I want, especially after his problems at home.

And here is the most messed up part. I am in love with the hottest man ever who has no idea who I am. He has tats and piercings and is soooo my type. I always get what I want and I will get us to meet when school is back in session, but I feel like I have the need to hold off for him. Like wtf? He might not even like me, and Im two years older than him. So that might freak him out. But OMJESUS HE IS SOOOO SEXY!!!!!

I just wish I knew what I wanted. I have unrealistic thoughts and it's hurting myself and others. So maybe if I write things down I can see clearer. I just dont want to be someone that leads people on, but idk how to find out who I like if I don't stop talking to them.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I am so disgusted in your actions I physically want to vomit. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. I have never hated someone so much in my entire life. How can you DEFEND someone who vandalized $2000 worth of your roommate's property?! I am SO thankful that I parked my car at the wayside, otherwise god knows what would have happened to it. How about you grow a backbone and realize that you are wrong and I am right, and you leave that piece of pool scum called your boy toy. You have turned into him. He is a liar, disgusting, unintelligent, and only has 3 friends. You definitely have those qualities now. You just lost 2 friends that have been there for the past 2 years, over a POS cheating guy you have known for a few months? You disgust me. I hate you. I literally hate you. I hate seeing you. I hate hearing you. I hate him. I hate seeing him. I hate hearing him. I hate everything about you two. Take all your shit and move the fuck out. No one wants you here. I don't give two shits if he is depressed. He's using that as a crutch, and you are falling for it. How about you leave it to a doctor or a hotline to help his sorry ass. You knew all along that he keyed her car and pretended like you didn't know anything. Then you tell me that he shouldn't be punished for his mistakes. This is going to be one hell of a month, then after that I hope to never see your face ever again until common sense hits you in the head, and leave that criminal. You disgust me.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Say what?

I really have the most fucked up love life. Here I was dating someone who broke up with me to get back with his ugly ex, treat me like shit to do so, then ignore me for some reason. Now, I have someone asking not to go on a date, but to be friends with benefits. I really do not know how to feel about this. What the hell do you say to that? I mean I know I don't put out that easy, cus that's how you end up prego with diseases. I mean I do like him, or did, but I don't know how I feel about him now. Every time I see him I like him, but when hes not around I dont. Can't I just find a really sweet cute guy, that I find absolutely attractive, who doesn't have any feelings for anyone else but me? Who I can be completely open and honest with, and visa versa?

PS Wouldnt mind if it was like Caleb in the last PLL episode hahah. SOOOO CUTE AND SOOO HOT!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Vents are for releasing hot air...

Don't fucking talk to me if all your going to do is try to start shit. I chose not to surround myself with negative energy. If you want to do that to yourself go right ahead, but don't involve me. Stop trying to cause drama when you have no reason to. Im sorry I ruined your whole night Saturday cus I was bitching, but if you say that, why can't you think of ONE SINGLE THING I SAID that I was "bitching" about. You have nothing. I remember everything from that night. You on the other hand have drunken word vomit and cant recall what I said let alone what you said to me. I just want to go back to how we were. I don't understand where or how this whole riff started. I just want to know how and how to fix it. Don't try to force me not to go to your party. You don't need to acknowledge me while im there. If my presence bugs you that much, well damn I must be one important person in your life. Threatening to black list me is also a joke. All your brothers love me and know that im not a fucking crazy bitch. Im a nice, sweet person, that is HAPPY! Pretty sure they wont believe you. So you wanna be immature and whine all the fucking time. Go ahead, but don't involve me. Don't blame me. Your PMSing or Bipolar-- either way, you've gone crazy. Good Luck.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

just a girl

Sometimes I think to myself: I don't think I'll find anyone else like you. It scares me and I want nothing more than to have you back. I secretly want your ex to flunk out of college or move away. If she's out of sight, she's out of mind. It's not fair. The things you said to me should make me never want to talk to you again. But I can't. You said you would marry her and yet you say you hate her. I wish I never felt this way with you. I wish that we never talked that night. That way I wouldn't have gone through this. You could have been the one, and even though we only dated for a month, I've never felt so comfortable with anyone else.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Happy MLK Day... not.

So, shocker given my previous posts only an idiot can't figure out where this post is going. I guess I was the idiot in this situation. I should have known, but hey who doesn't like a good dose of false hope, right? So, in celebration of no classes I went to the wayside along with the whole entire student body. Find my "boyfriend" and the first words that come out of his mouth "I love Stephanie. Sorry." WOW! Cus at the rave you said that you wanted to date again, but I guess you were just kidding or were you telling me what you wanted to hear to get what you wanted? Oh and my favorite... you were sleeping with her when we were "broken up". But that's okay cus you were stringing me along and you were "single". Go ahead re-live the past. The only reason you "love" her is that you've known her for so long and her fam. Not her as a person. You've told me over and over that you hated her. I look like the idiot. Im going to be the one judged. I should have followed my own dating rules, but I thought you were the exception.

"Don't make a girl fall for you, if you had no intention on catching her."

Monday, January 10, 2011


"Two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead."

As I'm watching pretty little liars, I start to think to myself if lying helps or hinders. The same boy problems are still bothering me, and I question my thoughts if lying to him or not is better. Should I pretend everything is okay and hope that if I stay positive that everything will be? Or if telling him what bothers me is better? I'm just worried that if I voice my true feelings I won't get the response I want to hear. Sure, that should sound like he isn't worth it, but I don't want to give up hope because I REALLY like him. Given we really aren't "together" anymore, but he still acts like we are. If you really wanted to get over your ex, cuddling with her on the couch and sitting next to each other during class doesn't seem like your trying to get over her. You don't think I would find out? What am I suppose to think? Am I just setting myself up to look stupid and get played?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The hardest decision...

I don't want to talk about this to anyone I know, because I want to pretend it isn't happening. I fell hard and fast for my bf. He is amazing, he's honest, funny, and caring. But he just told me he can't stop thinking of his ex. Even though hes told me a hundred times how much he hates her, even when we were just friends. Now he wants to end things because he keeps thinking of her. I told him I don't want to. I don't want to let him go. I like him way too much. I just don't understand why he would have feeling for a relationship that was so bad. If they didn't live on the same floor I think this problem wouldn't be as big as it is. I don't know if I'm being selfish by wanting to keep him, but I just have hope that the longer he is with me the more he can forget about his ex. This is such a horrible situation to be in. It's not fair. People are going to treat me differently because we dated and I'm friends with all of his brothers. I'm beginning to think that I should let him go, because I think our relationship was a rebound for him whether he knows it or not. It just really sucks. I want him to be happy and I don't think it can be with her. Sure they have known each other for 2 years, but why couldn't our relationship turn into that.

You know the saying, "Let it go, if it comes back its yours, if not, it was never meant to be?"
I feel like I should let go but if I do, he won't come back. And if he does it would be next year when they aren't living so close. Then it's just going to happen all over again. I'm scared.