Dear Online Diary,
I feel like I haven't bitched about boys lately. So, I'm fixing that. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE SO DAMN CONFUSING! If you want a relationship, say that. If your looking for just sex, say that. If your just messing with my feelings, say that. I'm a flirt, not going to deny that. But I feel like I've reached the point were I need to stop doing that, cus I have to many guys flocking over me and Idk what the hell they want. I want a relationship. I'm looking for the real thing. I don't want to waste my time on a guy who doesn't want me like that. Oh and you know what else doesn't help... when my friends put their two cents in about who I like. I've dumped guys before because people made fun of me for dating them. I will do it again, because I am THAT insecure. I like J and H but since they are friends that would just cause problems. Plus, idk if they want a relationship or just wanna hook up. And H doesn't even try to text me, and J does but when were in the same room he doesnt seem to talk to me until hes had drinks. N is sweet, and wants a relationship, but after people made fun of me for liking him idk. Plus he's awkward when it comes to makin a move, I need someone thats confident and if hes not he better fake it. Nothing is worse than meeting a guy with no game or confidence. There's R, but I just met him, and Idk how I feel about him. He's cute and it looks like we have things in common, but he's deff a diff type of guy that Ive normally dated. Then there my ex. I shouldn't like him. I shouldn't. He hurt me. He is in love with someone else. He doesn't open up to me about personal stuff, but will with his ex-love. He says they won't get back together, but I doubt that. But still he wants to talk and hook up with me and other people but doesn't want a relationship cus he wants to chill and date around. But when I tell him I have 4 guys Im talkin to he freaks out, cus he doesn't wanna be apart of the circle. But that's exactly what he's doing. So that just doesn't makes sense. WHY DO I STILL LIKE HIM! I would so get back in a relationship with him, if I knew he was faithful enough. But I can't be that naive. But how can I move on if I still am talking and hooking up with him?! And I feel like if I stop talking to him like that he just wont talk to me at all. Which is not what I want, especially after his problems at home.
And here is the most messed up part. I am in love with the hottest man ever who has no idea who I am. He has tats and piercings and is soooo my type. I always get what I want and I will get us to meet when school is back in session, but I feel like I have the need to hold off for him. Like wtf? He might not even like me, and Im two years older than him. So that might freak him out. But OMJESUS HE IS SOOOO SEXY!!!!!
I just wish I knew what I wanted. I have unrealistic thoughts and it's hurting myself and others. So maybe if I write things down I can see clearer. I just dont want to be someone that leads people on, but idk how to find out who I like if I don't stop talking to them.